Countdown to a New Me

I just had my pre-op conversation with Mary Kay - the access nurse for the University of Nebraska Medical Center. She seemed nice, and genuinely concerned for me. Don't ever be mean to a nurse. They make hospital life bearable, and don't get near the credit they deserve.

We went over my surgery plans, health history, etc. Amazing how much the answers have changed since the original surgery. Not even 2 years ago, and I was dying. Yes dying. Much quicker than I am dying today. It is hard to imagine how sick I was two years ago. What is more difficult, is how could I have ignored it so? How could I let myself get that way? I still have not figured that one out. If you are contemplating Gastric Bypass Surgery, one of the things that is recommended is continued therapy or counseling.

Do that. Deal with the issues. Deal with what got you to obese, or morbidly obese, or as in my case Super Morbidly Obese. There has to be a reason. Has to be something that kicked you into overdrive on ignoring your health. Being this far into it, I sometimes chuckle when people say it is genetic, or its my metabolism. For the most part, those folks are still in denial. It is the calories fool, and the fact that for some reason you don't want to take care of yourself. I still don't know what my reason was, but I have decided to go on the quest to find out. When this final surgery is over - that will be my quest. Find out what caused me to do this to myself. Not blame others, I did this. I gained the weight. I caused this, and I need to find out why.

I wrote about mortality yesterday. Not because I have any concerns about the surgery. But I have begun to wonder about how I will be remembered. Is that vanity? SWMBO says, and I agree, I am vane. I admit it. Is it vanity to be concerned with what people think about you? How one will be remembered? Is vanity such a bad thing? Is it bad to want to look nice for someone, to not embarrass them? I believe if you are consumed with anything, it is bad. Just as being consumed with vanity would be bad. But I don't think it is bad to desire to better yourself, in many different ways. I want to be better. A better father first. I want to be an awesome grandfather. I want to be an awesome husband. It is strange that I put those in that order. I want to be a better employee - sorry GE - you are number 4 on the list. I want to play the guitar, paint, write, dream and do all those things with passion.

I want to sail around the world. I want to run on the beach, a very private beach- naked (Sorry Jason and Brooke - Dad running naked probably not a great visual) - and I will say it again, a very private beach! All my Christian friends are going to chastise me for that one - and Brooke will say Dad - you always go one step too far.

I am rambling today. Sorry about that. Random thoughts exploding out of my fingers. This has been a wild ride. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I will see all of you on the other side. Hopefully blogging tomorrow night or thursday, in a morphine or vicodin induced haze. I actually look forward to that. Last time I wrote under those circumstances, it was fun. My insights were funny and the stories were good. Thanks for all your well wishes. See you on Thursday!